Inside: Spreading ideas about frugality is great. What’s not as great is when people get guilt-tripped into keeping up with the frugal Joneses if their money would be…well…better spent.
I’m an inherently competitive person.
Unless it comes to sports, in which case I will tune you out and go to my happy place with biology textbooks and craft beer.
That’s why I have such a hard time with the personal finance community sometimes. From my eyes — not everyone’s eyes, but mine own, and I suspect perhaps yours too, if you’re reading this article — some parts of the personal finance community embrace frugality like it’s a pissing match and everyone’s just downed a liter of Gatorade.
Who can spend less? Maybe it’s an anti-pissing match, then?
The times I’ve felt this most was when I’ve been hanging out with people from the MMM and FIRE crowd.
I once sat down with a group. Everyone went around the room and introduced themselves, and I swear to god by the end of it, the last person proclaimed to be living for free in a metal shed in someone else’s backyard. In Colorado. Where it gets to be 110 degrees in the summer.
What’s more, everyone at the event had biked there.
In case this impression is lost on you, here’s my ride I used to get to the meetup:
Let’s look at this from another angle.
You cannot BELIEVE what a bitch it is to park this sucker.
My truck sticks out approximately 42 FEET beyond everyone else’s vehicle.
A few months later, I was invited to an MMM meetup at Mr. Money Mustache hisself’s hometown in Longmont (actually just a short drive from where I am now).
I was so ashamed of my giantmobile that I declined. I had nightmares in my head about being driven out of Longmont by hundreds of hipster mustachioed bicyclists chasing me with pitchforks and Tiki torches.
I’ve been frugal along with the rest of them. When I first started on my own frugality journey, it wasn’t by choice. In fact, it sucked. I felt like I was broker than I’d ever been in my life (not true; I used to sleep on a pile of blankets on the floor in college because I couldn’t even afford a blow-up mattress).
Gradually my views changed and I embraced my own version of frugality. But when I kept meeting up with these people, it never seemed like enough. There was always something more to cut.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret.
Over the past month, I have not been frugal.
And it’s been WONDERFUL.
I feel like finding a cardboard cutout of Khal Drogo and twirling him around in the air with all the reckless abandon of a dreadlocked panhandler at a carnival.
Here’s what I’ve spent my money on recently:
- $300 for a 10-session personal training package
- $687 on restaurants in the month of May. Yep, you read that right. 687 BIG ONES
- $117 on a haircut and dye…blue hair dye
And that’s not it, either. Here are a few more spendy purchases I’m considering at some unspecified point in the future:
- A half-sleeve tatttoo (*GASP* surely I will end up as a poor begging hag in retirement)
- A CrossFit membership. Or maybe pole dancing classes. What the hell.
- An ocean fishing kayak…with a setup for crab pots
Instead, I’ve given myself permission to spend a bit more on things that mean a lot to me. Even if it doesn’t adhere to someone else’s frugal pissing match.
I haven’t totally lost sight of the prize, however.
I’ve upped my contributions to my retirement account by 2,120% (also not a typo) over last year. We’re paying for our move to Washington in cash. This year, for the first time in our lives, we have a full emergency fund. We passed net worth zero last year, and now our net worth is above $40k.
And, even that gigantomobile will be completely paid off in a few months.
The reason I’m able to do this now is because my freelance writing business has been going like gangbusters. Compared to when I was living in a blanket nest on the floor, I’m raking in money faster than Hollywood moguls are falling.
Related: How much can you earn as a starting freelance writer?
Making more money has been both a blessing and a curse (mostly a blessing, I won’t lie; I’m not totally crazy).
But it puts me in a weird spot. You see, I’ve never thought of myself as a high earner. I always thought I would be just broke enough to make my bill payments — nothing more, nothing less.
It’s sort of ingrained in you as a fledgeling wildlife biologist. You do this because you like it, not because you’ll get an excess of money. That was a sacrifice I was prepared to make (and still am….once Zach gets a job).
Now that I do have enough cash to afford something more than a can o’ Spam and some smashed discount Ramen noodles, I find it doubly hard to give myself freedom to spend money.
Because if you have extra money, you need to hoard it all so you can achieve financial freedom in 2,673.37 days and stick it to the man, right?
Isn’t that what smart people do?
If I ask myself, “would you rather spend $300 on paying down debt, or building up your body with a personal trainer?” and — ASSUMING I HAVE ENOUGH MONEY — the answer is still the personal trainer (which it most definitely is), then the money isn’t really wasted.
Yet, paying off debt is still what’s most important to me. It’s where most of my money is going: almost $1,000 a month, compared to a few extra hundred dollars on other “splurge” things. But it doesn’t need to be an all-in, black-or-white, GoT-or-Kingkiller-Chronicles thing.
Instead, now I have to learn to be OK with giving myself permission to spend money on a non-frugal thing if it’s really the best use of my money according to my values.
Before, when I didn’t have money, my hands were tied. I couldn’t make that choice, and so the choice was easy. Now that I do have the freedom to do so, however, it’s difficult. I feel like I’m being peer pressured into frugality.
A part of me too wants to partake in the frugal anti-pissing match. Yet, another part of me wants to spend the money — carefully considered and balanced, of course — on “expensive” things.
Don’t get me wrong. If people’s most important use of money is to squirrel it away like some mutant doomsday scuirid, then that’s their prerogative. I’m happy for them.
If the person sitting at the end of the MMM circle really wanted to live in a metal cooker in Colorado for free because saving their cash was more important to them, then awesome sauce.
But I don’t think people should be frugal guilted into it.
What do you think? Have you ever felt frugal guilt? Leave a comment below!
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It’s funny because I don’t fit in with fatFIRE types, and yet I would also be annoyed if I were considered the AntiChrist because I hadn’t biked that day.
The leanFIRE types may burn out (literally, in that shed), and the fatFIREs will burn up the planet. Let’s be honest, most of us are somewhere in the middle, and we have to find a sustainable place for each of us.
Congrats on making money so you can work out and dye your hair blue!
Haha thanks! I forgot about the fat FIRE and lean FIRE models – that’s a good point! Somewhere in the middle is best.
we have a 10k wine budget and never maxed a 401 although we max the roths. we don’t earn a zillion bucks a year but got go debt free and owning a house and a pile of investments. i always ask if the gurus are riding a bike to fin-con? oh, and i sometimes enjoy some tobacco. you want to see the fire crowd’s heads spin around tell ’em that! nice blog and potty mouth.
“Did you ride your bike to FinCon?” Ha! I love it!
Hi Lindsey, as a person who has struggled with debt I do feel that fear of spending at times. I always feel that I need to think about purchases for a long time before I buy. I wouldn’t say that I hoard cash but it is hard for me to spend b/c I don’t want to go back to not having enough money. However, no one should be guilted into frugality unless they’re asking you to borrow money, lol.
Just saw this post through Rockstar Finance. It’s all about choices. Most of the time people can make choices and those choices have impact. When you set goals and then achieve them, why the hell not celebrate a little. As long as you are comfortable with it who cares what others think. I have always cautioned people about keeping up with the Jones’ – now I see the opposite – don’t worry about keeping down with the Jones.’
Yaassss. I especially feel it when it’s an investment in myself. I think, “Well, that could have gone into my Roth.” But, that investment may bring big, bold, exciting changes to my life in the short term, and my Roth needs some long term time to grow. There’s a balance we don’t talk about enough in the personal finance community. I believe in frugality. I do. But I also believe that we need to live our dreams now. It’s not the same as “treat yourself.” It’s very much what you’re saying: spend your money on things that mean something to you.
Money is just numbers until you actually do something with it, and ideally that “something” adds to your quality of life.
I’ve been on the uncluttering/minimalist track since 2011, and seriously on the road to FI since 2016, but I’m not averse to spending money on something I really want. The comment on the blue hair dye really resonated with me, because after many years of longing for it I finally went to a salon and got my hair dyed a dazzling pure white. It’s a pricey thing to do, about $200 CDN, but it fulfills something that I’ve wanted since my teen years. (I’m almost 61 now, so this was long, long overdue.)
And don’t get me started on my, uh, clarinet habit. 😀 One of my instruments is currently in the shop for a spa treatment of its own (cleaning, adjustment and repadding). No regrets there, either.
Very nice article about an issue inherent with any community you join.
There seems to be a mini competition always at the extremes.
If you are in the wanna be like the Joneses group, it is who can outspend the other to claim the top title.
If you are in the frugal crowd it is who can deny themselves the most pleasure to save the most money.
Key is moderation. Once you start gravitating towards the extremes you open up darker forces and change what could be a beneficial way of life into something more perverse.
Great that you recognized it and now do things that bring YOU happiness, not the group you subscribe to.
I LOLed so hard at this because I share your giant truck woes. I have a Chevy 2500, 4-door with an 8 foot bed. We call it the Great White Whale. However I do enjoy feeling smug parallel parking it every day in my neighborhood (while people with Hybrids struggle to maneuver).
It is NOT frugal, at all. But as you mention it is OK to spend on things that are really important to you. I have the giant truck though because it is important to my end goal of owning a horse and trailer. Financial security is also very important to me and we save a TON compared to others our age, avoid debt and I am happy with how our net worth is growing. Personal finance is PERSONAL. It’s not one size fits all, and there is no ONE right way, even if your goal is the same (early retirement).
So true- it does feel like a competition sometimes. I tend to have frugal guild after traveling, but not for long. I love traveling so much that I don’t mind spending on it. The memories and experiences outweigh my goals of being frugal and retiring early.
I think you just need to find a good balance for your own situation. It isn’t the same for everyone.
This SO needed to be said.
I am ALL for applauding peers for hunkering down and refusing to spend money on entertainment/beer/clothes/food (how? ya girl needs some protein). But don’t make me feel like I can’t admit that I spend $155 per month on Pure Barre. That’s my priority, and I have the money. I embrace the shake, and all that. It’s an investment in my health. More importantly, it’s MY decision. And I think that’s what it boils down to, like you said — spend money on YOUR priorities. Not your mother’s. Not the PF community’s. Money = options, not happiness. Thanks for writing!
I think most people who go all-time-frugal and are happy with it have gone through a spending phase first. It is only when you have had the tattoo and have tried out various gyms and have shopped the stuff you really longed for, that you can analyse what of these things gave lasting enjoyment, and thus what you can stop spending on without feeling deprived.
I call them Frugal Freaks. Except one month in my 20s as an experiment, I have never had a budget. I spend as much as I like. It’s just that I don’t have very extravagant tastes so I have always spent less than I earn. When they advocate driving a 20 year old car for another 10 years, I ask “What about the safety features you are missing out on?” The response is silence or something along the lines of “I’m a careful driver.” Good luck with if you get rear-ended or T-boned by someone trying to get through a red light.
Frankly, I’ve been reading FIRE blogs for about 3 years now and the value of them have diminished. They are largely a) echo chambers, b) offer obvious advice, c) offer dubious advice or d) are places to fly their frugal freak flag.
There are many pretentious people in the FIRE community and I find them annoying.
Not only is frugality not a competition but I think most people go overboard. The key is to tackle your largest expenses such as property, travel and holidays. The rest is penny pinching for the sake of it. I’m quite anti the obsessive frugality and couponing advocated by other blogs
This is one of the reasons why I don’t plan on keeping my PF blog forever, I plan on selling it and opening up a luxury lifestyle blog. I feel in the PF community you often have to justify everything you do, and I’m tired of it.